


Broken

by Jayfur08



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: A little but of fluff, Almost Drowning, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, April Isn't Okay, April Ludgate Angst, April Ludgate centric, Cussing, Dark, Drowning, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lot of tags, Metaphors, Near Death, Near Death Experiences, Near Drowning, Recovery, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Recovery, The Author Regrets Nothing, The world needs more April-centric fics, drowning metaphor, implied/referenced eating disorder, no beta we die like men, so many metaphors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27279013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayfur08/pseuds/Jayfur08
Summary: April had experienced many tragedies in her day. She'd had a lot of issues. Ever since she was young. She had gone to therapy, been giving medication, tried to find her own way to cope.Nothing ever really worked.There were people, people that held her together or mended some cuts, dulled the pain, distracted her.But never put her together again.Never put everything together.Never truly fixed her.Every positive word fixed a single cut while every negative one tore her apart.April Ludgate was broken.And she believed she could never be fixed.OrApril attempts suicide and everyone helps her out like the good friends the are.(I'm not good at summaries but I swear it's pretty not horrible)
Relationships: Andy Dwyer/April Ludgate, Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt, Past Andy Dwyer/Ann Perkins
Comments: 6
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

That's was April was.

She was drowning.

No one noticed.

It Not Andy, not Leslie, not Chris, not Ann, not Ben, not Tom, not Donna. No one noticed.

April herself barely noticed last week when she had gotten undressed to take a shower and looked in the mirror and...

And saw it.

Her.

The scars all along her arms, how skinny she was, seriously skinny. She felt sick. She quickly turned on the shower so Andy and Ben couldn't hear her cry.

”Oh God, oh God...” She whispered, looking at herself, looking at her body, she cringed.

She had never had the best self-esteem but... But she... But she just made this all worse.

The worst part was, she knew she wasn't gonna change. She wasn't gonna start eating or stop cutting. She couldn't. She didn't know how.

After her shower, April hardly talked the whole day. She leaned against Andy and mumbled things but she didn't really talk.

That's when she realized. That's when it all started.

She was drowning.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

”'Pril, wake up,” Andy yawned and shook her, her words slurred, ”We gotta go to Ann's house. Leslie needs campaign help.”

April groaned and sat up, ”Okay, go eat, I'm gonna get changed.”

Andy nodded and walked out, so April changed, putting on a baggy sweater and jeans. No one asked why she only wore baggy sweaters or long-sleeved shirts now. No one seemed to notice.

Part of April said she was glad. She didn't want them to know. But the other part of her just wanted someone to ask how she was doing or notice her scars. Ask her why she wasn't eating. She wanted help, but she didn't know how to ask.

It's hard to talk when you're underwater.

She walked out and headed to the door, wincing as she heard Andy yell, ”Hey, don't you need food?”

Ben glanced at April, shooting her a questioning look, ”You didn't eat yet?”

”I'll eat later,” April said, quickly, ”But Leslie needs us right now.”

”Alright!” Andy ran over to her, ”Let's go!”

They got in the car and April looked at the clock. It was 5:32 A.M. April groaned and swallowed as she felt a sharp hunger pain.

Ben was driving, April and Andy were in the back. April turned on the music and attempted a short nap, but they were at Ann's house in around 15 minutes.

The two of them walked up, April leaning on Andy, and knocked on the door. Everyone else was already there, Ann, Chris, Leslie, Jerry, Donna, Tom, and Ron.

”Great, okay!” Leslie pulled April inside, grabbing her wrist, and a flash of panic went through April as she saw the sleeve start to go up.

April jerked away and tugged the sleeve down, hissing, ”God, Leslie, I just woke up, don't pull me like that.” She didn't mean for her voice to be that aggressive, she didn't mean to.

She hoped no one saw the scars, but she also hoped they did.

_Please (do)n't ask, please (do)n't ask, please (do)n't ask, please (do)n't ask._

She walked over and sat down, Andy followed. She glanced around, but no one was looking at her. Jerry and Donna were doing some kind of letter thing, Tom, Ann, and Chris, were sitting in front of a whiteboard, writing flashy campaign ideas down, Ben quickly joined them, and Ron and Leslie were bringing Andy and her inside.

No one seemed to be looking at her.

_No one noticed._

She was(n't) relieved.

”So, you and Andy are gonna help us count money and find ideas to bring money in!” Leslie said, cheerfully, ”Ron is gonna go barbecue for us.”

”Good, 'cause April hasn't eaten anything yet!” Andy chirped, happily, then looked down, ”I don't think she had dinner last night, either. Hey, Ap-”

”Are we here to talk about my eating habits or to help Leslie out?!” April snapped, panic lacing her voice in the form of venom.

”Geez, geez, sorry!” Andy threw up his hands and stepped back.

”April, when WAS the last time you ate then?” Leslie asked, hesitantly. She looked worried and had lowered her voice. April glanced around and noticed that Ben and Ann had walked over, probably to ask Leslie something about the campaign, but were looking at her now.

_Oh, God. This is it. They're gonna find out. They're gonna hate me. They're gonna be mad. They're gonna make me eat and ask to see my arms. They're gonna-_

”April?” Andy nudged her, ”Wasn't it, like... Um...” He looked up, ”You had breakfast... Yesterday... Right?”

She had a single granola bar in the morning and then a few grapes later in the day. That was it.

”Yeah,” April looked at them, ”I'm fine, I'm eating. Just been a little busy and I don't have much of an appetite at five in the morning anyway.”

”That makes sense,” Leslie was still eyeing her, suspiciously, and April wanted to break down right there. She just wanted help.

But she had built up a wall. A wall that trapped all the water from her silent sobs inside until she fell tired of swimming. 

She was getting tired of swimming. She wanted to give up.

The idea of ending her life had been in her head ever since someone in her High School killed himself when she was 14. He and her weren't exactly friends but he was one of the only people who wasn't a jerk to her.

So she cried at his memorial.

Then, at 15, her sister was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. Her parents tried to hide it, but it wasn't hard for April to figure it out.

April began cutting at 17, stopped for a short period when she met Andy, but he was only a temporary distraction from her undealt with issues.

April sat down as Leslie started fake-excitedly saying, ”So! Ideas! Money! Raising it! Fundraiser!”

”We could make food and sell it?” Ben suggested, ”But, Leslie, Ann and I were wondering if we should just combine this group and come up with something that would help to raise your public image and raise money.”

”Brilliant!” Leslie jumped up and nodded, ”Like, we could, uh... Make food and give it away to, like, a homeless shelter while also accepting donations or something.”

”Like the greedy government pigs we are,” April joked with a bitter tone, ”We give stuff to the homeless but ask for money in return.”

”Okay, okay, you're right...” Leslie sighed, ”How about... We all do a barbecue, Ron makes food, everyone is welcome, and we have donations open?”

”What's to stop people from coming and taking free food and not donating anything?” April looked up, ”People are horrible, Leslie, we'll probably just lose money buying stuff.”

”Okay, now, April, you aren't helping with all the negative talk!” Leslie shot her a look and sat down, ”Okay, well, how about we make a speech while we're there? People are bound to donate if they agree with our issues and have had food.”

”But there are way too many variables we can't control there,” April's anxiety shot up just thinking about it, but she kept her tone even and slightly aggressive, ”The chance that people come, eat, don't donate, the chance that we get trashed for having an ’ulterior motive’ at what's supposed to just be a barbecue, people don't like your speech, we make way too much food and it gets wasted, we don't make enough food and people get upset, someone co-”

”April, if you're just gonna be negative and unhelpful, just leave,” Leslie snapped, looking stressed, ”We don't need all that negativity right now, we just need ideas, and you're just shooting down ours.”

April looked at her, her eyes wide in surprise, then got up and walked away to go outside for a bit. ”It's too early for this shit,” She spat, ”I'm going to get some air, no one follow me.”

She slammed the door shut and walked a little bit more away before sitting down and turtling herself into her jacket. She was quietly sobbing as the words rung in her head.

She knew Leslie (did)n't mean it.

She knew it was(n't) just the stress.

People did(n't) want her around.

She was scratching at her arms, wishing she had a blade or drugs or something. Something to numb the pain. 

Leslie's words felt like a stab to the heart. She hated it.

”Damn it...” April rubbed her eyes and forced herself to calm down, ”Stop crying, April, someone's gonna see.”

She half wanted someone to see, to help her, to break her walls, to pull her above water.

But the other part of her hated that her wall had cracked and she started crying. Part of her wanted to drown. To give up.

She hated that she was thinking about suicide, about leaving everyone.

But she couldn't help it.

She had already decided this a long time ago.

She just finally accepted it.

She was gonna kill herself.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

April walked back inside after calming down and sat down. She leaned on her hand, exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

”April, I'm sorry that I snapped,” Leslie apologized, speaking fast, ”I was just stressed and lashed out and I'm sorry and I-”

”It's fine,” April cut her off, ”I know. I was being a negative, annoying bitch. It's fine. I'm sorry I was acting like that I'm just tired.”

_Soon, I won't be._

_Soon, I'll never be tired again._

_Soon, I'll be allowed to sleep as long as I want._

”Alright, if you're sure!” Leslie looked around, ”We need ideas!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Leslie let them go home at 7:32 AM and told them to go to work at 12:00 and she would let them off early as a thanks. 

Ron ended up barbecuing, so April ate as little as she could so that no one noticed something was off. Then, she went into the bathroom and threw up as quietly as she could.

She went out and no one seemed to notice.

That was(n't) good.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

”Five more minutes...” Andy groaned as April shook him awake.

”Babe, come on, we gotta go to school- wait. No. We gotta go to... Work.”

”Alright...” Andy sat up and walked outside the room.

April smiled and pulled his arm around her as they walked out.

”You seem like you're in a good mood! That's good!” Andy grinned and looked at her.

”Yeah...” April leaned on him and looked down, ”Good mood.”

She didn't tell him that she was just being like this because this was her last day alive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

”Hey, Leslie, Ben!” Andy grinned and greeted the two of them as they walked toward them.

April was still wrapped around Andy, enjoying his warm touch for one last day.

She smiled and nodded, ”Your campaign thing doing better?”

”Yep, we're working on some ideas!” Leslie grinned and looked at April, ”You seem uncharacteristically cheery April.”

”Just... Happy, I guess,” April shrugged, pushing the guilt away that she was gonna leave all these people alone.

_It was better for them, in the long run, at least._

”O... Kay?” Ann had walked up, with a smug smirk, ”Since when did April even know the word ’happy’?”

”Since I met Andy,” April shot Ann a glare, then smiled a little, ”I'm gonna go grab something to eat. See you later, Ann!”

She walked away, feeling great. She could eat how she wanted. Who cared if she got fat? She would be gone.

So, she bought a bunch of chips and candy and all of her favorite things (including a bunch of coffee) and then went outside the building, alone.

She sat down and opened a bag of chips, happily. She sat there and ate, just ate, for a while.

That was all she wanted to do.

_Then, go hang out with all my friends, wake up at 3:00 A.M., call Leslie, Ben, Andy, and Ann and tell them to come to the bridge, talk to them for a bit, take a bunch of sleeping pills, and let myself fall._

Drown.

Finally.

Stop fighting.

Let herself be calm again.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

”Hey, Andy!” She jumped over and hugged him, ”How you doing?”

Andy blinked down at her, looking surprised, ”Um... Okay? Are you doing good? You've been really... Extra... Happy? And that isn't a bad thing, it's just... Weird? I don't k-”

”Just in a good mood,” She replied, like she always did, ”Happy today. It's a good thing, trust me.”

_No, it isn't._

_This is horrible._

_I need help._

_Please, help me._

That part of April had slowly been reduced to a low whisper at this point. She wanted help, but more of her was just... Tired. And okay with dying. More than okay.

Happy.

”Alright!” Andy grinned and looked at her, ”I'm glad!”

She kissed him and then sat down at her desk. She nodded to Leslie as she walked past.

See, here was April's plan.

She was gonna be nice to everyone, not tease Jerry- Gary? Whatever. Be nice to everyone. Her Mom, Dad, and sister had gone out of town for some kind of college thing for Natalie. Whatever. April had left a note for them or maybe the others would explain it. She wasn't too concerned with that. She knew they would get it. They knew her.

Then, she would go to that one bridge above the deep lake, take some sleeping pills, fall back, and let herself drown. Before, she would invite Andy, Ben, Leslie, and Ann.

She wanted to apologize to Ann. Maybe tell her that she should have Andy now that April was leaving. ’Course Ann had Chris, but whatever.

They'd all find someone better.

She wasn't really leaving them.

It was fine.

_Fucking liar._

_You're leaving them alone._

_You're being selfish._

_Talk to them._

_Get help._

_Don't run away._

April quietly groaned and went back to work. Whatever.

Back to the plan.

She didn't want Donna or Jerry there, she didn't know them that well.

She didn't want Ron there. She didn't want to see him cry or anything. She wouldn't be able to do it if RON was crying.

Tom? She was on the fence. They were actually pretty close. She wanted to say goodbye but also... She wasn't sure what was making her hesitate.

Maybe part of her knew this was bad.

Maybe part of her knew that she didn't want this.

Maybe part of her was ashamed and didn't want anyone to know.

Whatever.

She would figure it out.

So, April did her work, she focused, she was nice, she actually talked to people, didn't tease anyone, not even Jerry or Ann, did everything right.

At the end of the day, as Ben, Andy, and April were driving home, Ben and Andy commented on her weird attitude.

”Just in a good mood,” She rolled her eyes, ”Isn't that good? That I'm not... Mean or whatever?”

”Yeah,” Andy grinned and looked at her, ”It is good! I hope you act like this every day.”

April bit back a laugh at the irony and just nodded.

”Maybe, babe... Maybe.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She got up and set the alarm for 25 minutes later. She checked the time and nodded.

_3:00 A.M. Okay._

She left a note by Andy to get Ben and go to the bride. She then left another note for Ben on it to call Leslie, have Leslie call Ann, and all four of them go to the bridge.

She hesitated before finally adding Tom.

She wanted to see him, too.

So, she headed out, walking, a bottle of pills in her hand, wearing shorts and a tank top, a bra on underneath.

Everyone would see how skinny she was.

Her scars.

She walked over and looked at the bride.

She jumped up and sat on the railing, glancing at the water, the dark water, and then just waiting.

They would be there soon.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andy groaned and sat up, ”April, why is the alarm-”

He looked around and titled his head, ”Hey... Hey, babe? April? Where- Oh.”

He grabbed the note and skimmed it, no less confused. As he turned the alarm off, he decided he was even more confused.

”Ben!” He ran out of his room and ran over to Ben's, ”Ben! Wake up! Beeen!”

Ben groaned and sat up, ”Andy, it's way too early. What's wrong?”

”April is gone and left a note to go to the bridge place thing with Leslie, Ann, and Tom.”

Ben grabbed it and skimmed the note, mumbling before looking at Andy and whispering, ”Shit.”

”Hmm?” Andy looked at him, ”What?”

”Andy, this looks like a-” Ben broke off and shook his head, ”Go call Tom and tell him to get to the bridge as fast as he can.”

”Okay...” Andy turned and ran over to find his phone, trying to push his nerves down.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ann groaned and grabbed her phone. She tilted her head in confusion and picked up, ”Leslie? I just saw you, is it the campaign or-”

”It's April!” Ann normally would've rolled her eyes at the mention of April but something in Leslie's voice made her pause.

”What do you mean?” She asked, cautiously.

”We think she's gonna kill herself, just go outside and-”

”What?!” 

”I'm by your house, just get ready to come in the car with me, okay?”

”Yeah, yeah!” Ann hung up and ran out, looking around.

As Ann ran out, she felt sick. April? That angry ball of fury, killing herself? It wasn't right...

It wasn't...

Right...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

April smiled as she Leslie and Ann walk up, followed closely by Ben.

”Hey, guys,” She winced as she got close enough to see their expressions, but disregarded it. She was sitting on the edge of the walls on the sides of the bridge. Was ’walls’ the right word? Whatever.

”Where are- Oh,” She saw Andy and Tom run up, ”Nevermind.”

”April,” Leslie began, cautiously, ”Why don't you come down now?”

”No,” April shrugged, ”No, I'm not going to. I'm sorry, really, but it'll be better, I promise.”

”Better?” Andy echoed, ”April, no! That isn't- no!”

”April, don't do this!” Ben looked at her, ”Please!”

”Why not?!” April snapped, a few tears coming out now, ”You've all said it before! I'm annoying, bratty, mean, negative- I'm not a good person! You'd be better off without me.”

”No, we wouldn't!” Ann yelled, ”You need to come down, now, we can get you help-”

”Oh, shut up, Ann!” April glared at her, ”You should be happy about this! I was a bitch to you!”

”It doesn't mean you should die!” Ann looked at her, desperation lacing her voice.

”You shouldn't be so skinny,” Tom whispered, his voice hollow. He was just staring, tears in his eyes, ”And you shouldn't have scars...”

”How long has this been going on?!” Leslie yelled, ”How long?!”

”I mean...” April shrugged, ”Since I was around 17. It stopped for a bit then started up again and then stopped and... And then I don't know.”

”How long have you been not eating?” Ann asked, ”And how much do you eat each day?”

”I usually don't eat ever, but sometimes I have granola bars or vitamins so I don't just collapse,” She shrugged, ”But... It started around... Well, a little after I met Andy. I didn't want to cut anymore, so I stopped eating. If I could not eat, I would be able to not cut. But not eating made me wanna cut, and then I did cut and never stopped eating.”

”Oh, God, April!” Andy looked at her, ”You could've talked to me! You should've talked to me!”

”We're all here for you, April!” Leslie yelled, and April could hear the sob in her voice.

April chuckled, bitterly, ”I know... That's the problem.”

She scanned all of their faces and then looked down.

”You shouldn't be.”

She pulled out the sleeping pills and looked down at them, they seemed to mesmerize her.

”What are those?!” Tom yelled, his voice high-pitched and cracking, ”Pills?!”

”Sleeping pills,” She explained, ”I'm gonna take them then fall off. Seems like a peaceful way to die, huh?”

”No, it seems horrible!” Ben took a step forward, ”Just come down and we can talk!”

”We're talking now,” April's hand tightened on the pills, ”I don't wanna come down.”

”April, you're sick,” Ann stepped past Ben, holding her hands out, ”I've been trained for this. I should've seen the signs earlier... But that's not the point. April, I can help you. We can put you in a hospital, get you eating again, get you a therapist-”

”I don't wanna start eating again!” April yelled, her voice cracking as more tears came, ”I don't want to live, what part of that don't you get?!”

”That's because you're sick, April!” Ann took another step closer, too close, too close, ”That's your sickness talking!”

”This isn't a sickness, Ann, it's-”

”It's depression, it's an eating disorder, you're having suicidal thoughts and you're struggling, April,” Ann took another few steps, ”But we can help you. You don't really wanna die. You just wanna kill a part of you.”

”I've been swimming for so fucking long, Ann!” She glared at them, desperation from the part of her that wanted **_HELP_** leaking out, ”For so long, building up walls and keeping my head above the water and I don't want to do it anymore!”

”We can help you want to!” Ann took a step too close and April shifted back making them all pause.

”No!” April yelled, ”You- Fuck, I just-” Her mind was racing, ”It... It'll be better for you guys if I'm gone! You and Ann can go get married and be happier together! Happier than you'd ever be with me.”

”April, I don't like Ann!” Andy took a step forward, ”I mean, as a friend, sure, but... But April I'm in love with you. Not her.”

”Can't you guys just take my apology and be done with it?!” She wasn't supposed to be crying, ”I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY GOODBYE THEN BE DONE! I DON'T WANNA SWIM ANYMORE!”

”You don't have to swim, but you don't have to drown either!” Tom yelled, ”We can just... Take you out of the water!”

”How?!”

”I don't know!” He looked at her, desperation in his voice, ”It's not my metaphor, but we'll figure it out!”

”Just let us help you!” April looked at Leslie, in a cloud of disorientation and self-hatred.

”Why do you wanna help me?!” She demanded, ”You've all said it, I'm not a good person! I'm mean, I'm selfish, I'm sick, I'm a waste of space! Just let me leave!” She choked out a sob, ”Why won't you let me leave?!”

”Because we love you!” Andy yelled, ”We all do!”

Then it hit her.

She... She was hurting them.

She'd hurt them by leaving.

She didn't want that.

She couldn't hurt them...

”Fuck.”

She messed up.

She should've kept swimming.

”Oh, God...”

She was hurting them.

”I didn't mean to.”

She was making them sad.

She made them hurt.

”I'm so sorry, I-”

She couldn't hide it anymore.

She couldn't die.

She shouldn't have done any of this.

She should've suffered in silence.

”I'm so sorry, oh, God, please...”

”April,” Her eyes snapped up and her vision became clear again. Ann was stepping closer, her voice soft yet panicked, ”Just come down now.”

April went to push herself up and down off of the side of the bridge and her hand slipped.

It slipped.

She slipped.

For a second, she was confused, until she realized she was still holding fucking pills.

They slid and slipped out from under her hand, making her fall back. She didn't scream, her mind still processing it, but then she hit the water.

She opened her mouth, but only air came out, making her sink a little faster. The water pushed her down, she just now realized how horrible this felt.

She looked around at the dark, almost black water, drawing the little warmth from her body out and replacing it with cold, colder than she'd ever felt.

She really was drowning now.


	2. Restart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Restart.
> 
> That's all they wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is bad, I'm just gonna say it. I tried too hard with the metaphor and I just wanted to finish it. The next one will be better.

”APRIL!” Andy ran forward only to be pulled back by Ann.

”You can't jump, too, it's freezing!” Ann looked at him and then ran forward, leaning over, ”Shit, she isn't coming up!”

”She was gonna come down!” Tom squeaked, ”She was gonna come over and stop!”

”I have to go down!” Andy ran over, ”I have to!”

”No!” Andy glared at her, ”I'm not letting her die!”

”He's right!” Leslie yelled, ”It's April! She can't go out like this! It's April...”

”Alright...” Ann looked down, eyes stuck wide, as if she had only half processed it, ”Okay, Andy, you can swim, right?”

”Yep!” Andy looked at her, determined and ready, ”I got this!”

”Don't you dare drown. Thirty seconds before we get you.” Ann stepped away and Andy nodded before diving in.

He took a deep breath as he fell, praying he really had this.

He hit the water, realizing just how cold it was. _Poor April..._

The water was so dark and cold, looking almost black. It seeped into him, making him feel like an icicle.

He wasn't sure how long it'd been, only that he was tired and his lungs burning, but he finally saw a shape drafting down.

The second he saw, he gave himself one final push and grabbed her, pulling them both up.

He finally breached the water, taking in a big breath and yelling, ”Guys! I found her!”

”Swim to the side, Ann and Leslie are there with the car, we'll be down in a second!” Ben yelled, pointing left. Or Andy's left at least.

”O-Okay!” Andy began swimming, though it was harder with April.

She was so limp, it wasn't right, she was so cold, so skinny, so many scars. It wasn't... Right. It wasn't April.

He pushed April on the side first and then climbed out. Ann and Leslie were there, true to Ben's word, running forward.

”Okay, we'll get her in the car and go to the hospital,” Leslie said, ”You go back to the others-”

”No, I'm going with you!” Andy protested.

”Andy, please, just go with the others,” Ann hissed, ”You-”

”No!” Andy looked at her, ”I'm no-”

”Go to the others, tell them that April is breathing and that we're going to the hospital,” Ann glared at him, ”We aren't arguing.”

Andy opened his mouth to argue, but in the end, just let out a, ”Fine!” and walked away.

That walk turned to a run, a short burst as he reached the others before gasping as his adrenaline faded.

”What happened?!” Ben yelled, pulling Andy to the car, ”Is-?!”

”She's fine,” Andy panted, ”Or, well... Breathing. She's breathing.”

They all got in the car and Andy looked out the window, thinking.

Maybe after all this, they'd be able to get a new start. Help her. Get her to talk to them. Support her. That was if they... They actually... Could...

Save her.

_No, don't say that. She's fine. She's breathing._

_Breathing isn't dead._

_She'll be-_ No. _She is._

_She is fine._

Andy just stared out the window, thinking of a day after all of this.

They could...

Restart.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

”I'm sorry...”

”I didn't mean to...”

”St... Stop...”

Leslie looked down at the skinny, freezing, mumbling girl and sighed. He brushed the hair out of her face and thought of Ann, who was in the front driving.

Leslie was in the back with April.

”Hey, Ann...?”

”Yeah?” Ann asked, her voice tense.

”Do you think she'll be okay?” Leslie asked, not taking her eyes off of April, ”You're a nurse. Tell me... Will she be okay? In her condition?”

There was a silence, the air thick and tense, before Ann finally answered, the word sharp, making Leslie's chest tighten and her heart speed up.

”No.”

Leslie finally tore her eyes off April to look at Ann.

Ann looked horribly, like Leslie probably did as well. Her eyes were tired, but wide and dully alert. Her hair was a mess, she was in a baggy gray shirt, and shorts. 

The most surprising thing was that she was actually tearing up. She looked sad. Genuinely... Sad.

”Do you really care about April?” Leslie looked back down at April, making sure her chest was rising and falling.

”Of course,” Ann's answer was immediate this time, ”She was a bitch to me, but... But still. I considered her my friend and... And after what she... She said-”

”Yeah, I know,” Leslie cut her off, ”Do you really think she was just sick? Do you think, if she survives this, we can help her?”

”Well...” Ann glanced back, ”Yes. If we support her and... And she takes our support. But... But how couldn't she take our support with you helping us? You're a ray of positivity and brightness.”

”Don't feel like it,” She mumbled.

”I know,” Ann's tone was soft now, but the underlying tension was still there, ”But... But you will soon. If- When April opens her eyes in that hospital bed, you'll be happy. And she'll be fine again. Well... One day.”

”I hope so...” Leslie winced as April mumbled something again and glanced at Ann before looking at April again.

She'd be fine again. Leslie would help her. And, in doing so, Leslie would be fine again.

_No._

No, Leslie had to be fine. She had to. For April.

She had to push all these negative emotions out for her. And everyone else.

She just had to... Had to get over the feeling and... And be positive again. So everyone else would be better. So April would feel better. So they'd feel better. So Leslie would actually feel better, too.

She just had to...

Restart.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ann's mind was racing with worst-case scenarios as they parked in front of the hospital.

Looking back, they could've called an ambulance, but it might've taken longer to get there. And maybe Ann should've stayed in the back with April after getting her breathing again instead of Leslie staying with her, but Leslie didn't know the route to the hospital as well and-

_Stop._

_This doesn't help anyone._

But what does help is getting her inside.

Andy ran forward and immediately grabbed April. Tom and Ben weren't far behind, and they all headed into the hospital.

_What if I had not-_

She forced herself to shut those thoughts away. Not until April was okay. Not until this got fixed.

”What happened?!” A nurse, a friend of Ann's, yelled as he ran forward.

”She fell into the river,” Ann said, waiting to give any extra details, ”Let's get her into a room.”

”Okay, Ann,” He mumbled, looking uncertain, but he turned and yelled for a doctor and a room.

Ann sighed and turned to Tom, ”We should call her family, Ron, Donna, and Jerry.”

”I got it,” Tom nodded and walked out of the hospital door.

Ann followed them until they got April into a room and told her she couldn't go any farther.

She sat down, by Leslie, Ben, and Andy. Waiting for Tom to come back so they could tell him what happened and ask him what happened.

_You should've noticed. You're a nurse for fuck's sake. You should've noticed. It's fucking April. Why else would she be nice? You saw the panic when her sleeve went up. You saw the panic when her eating patterns were mentioned. You noticed how she went into the bathrooms immediately after she ate._

_You fucking noticed._

Tom ran in, eyes wide, ”Where is she? Is she alive?”

”Yeah,” Leslie nodded, looking exhausted, ”The doctors are stabilizing her. What happened with you?”

Tom sighed and sat down, slumping in his seat, ”Only Ron and Donna replied. Or, Jerry said he was sorry but he couldn't visit until at least tomorrow. Ron and Donna are on their way.”

Ann nodded and looked back, wishing she could just restart the day. Notice the signs. Act. Help her before it was too late... If only... She could just... Restart...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tom scanned the room, tapping his foot on the ground and looking around. He felt horrible.

He had seen that April seemed... Down. She didn't prank Jerry with him as much. Didn't tease him as much. Didn't do anything. 

But it was April. They weren't friends. Not that much, anyway. She was weird. Besides, she had Andy.

Now what?

She just... 

Every day, she started more energetic and more... More like April. More of a bitter, pessimistic outlook on everything, but for comedy and brand reasons. Not depression reasons.

She smiled, joked, teased people, pranked Jerry, sometimes even with him. But...

But she got tired. 

Sad.

She pulled on her sleeves, looked exhausted, so fast, glared at food with such a bitter look. He didn't notice before- or didn't take notice before.

What was he supposed to do? She had Andy. She wouldn't have talked to him, even if he did ask her.

But every day, every day, she seemed to... _I don't know, restart?_

Yeah.

Reset seemed like the right word.

She was in horrible condition at the end of th day, then the next she was normal, slowly dropped, repeat cycle.

Reset cycle.

Reset...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

April couldn't talk. She was so cold... So numb... But in so much pain at the same time.

Part of her just wanted to swim deeper and deeper until she was fully numb.

But... But there were people. They didn't want her to leave.

 _ **It's all a fucking act!**_ One part of her hissed, **_They don't care! No one cares about you!_**

She shook her head and paused for a second. Was that true? Why did they look so scared? Why?

”I'm sorry, okay?!” She yelled, but her voice seemed soft in th echoes.

”I'm not gonna do it again...”

_**If they cared before, they don't now! You left them. You hurt them. You killed yourself.** _

”I didn't mean to!” She yelled, her voice echoing until it turned into a dull whisper.

”I slipped...” She whimpered, thinking about it, ”I slipped...”

_**On the pills. The pills you brought to kill yourself.** _

”St-” She closed her eyes and gritted before screaming, ”STOP!” as loud as she could.

She just wanted it to stop.

She just wanted everyone to shut up.

 _Shut... Up....._  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Beep... Beep... Beep..._

”April?”

”Is she awake?”

”Don't crowd her!”

”Here, let me...”

”Is she okay?”

”She's breathing fine, her pulse is okay, she's gonna be fine.”

Her eyes drifted open and she winced as the lights hit her. Although, after a few seconds she realized it was dark and late.

She stayed quiet and looked up at them, not sure what to say.

Not sure what to do.

_How to deal with this..._

She looked down, wishing she could just restart.

Restart what, exactly, she didn't know, but that was all she could think about as they all stared at her, expecting something.

Leslie started, thankfully, ”Now... I think we should talk...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update soon, probably less metaphors and shorter but whatever
> 
> I'm so sorry if there are any mistakes I just don't wanna work on this chapter anymore


	3. Eating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April was in the hospital. Not dead. Alive. Surrounded by everyone she wanted to leave.
> 
> Well... Fuck, this didn't go to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Eating disorders, suicidal thoughts

Leslie started, thankfully, ”Now... I think we should talk...”

”April, how are you feeling?” Ann began, looking cautious.

”Like shit,” April hissed, scooting back, ”Now go away.”

Andy took a step forward, ”April-”

At that moment, Ron and Donna ran in, both looking panicked and sad. As April noticed the tears in their eyes, her stomach twisted with guilt.

”Oh, thank God, you're alive!” Donna gasped and looked at her, “What the Hell were you thinking?!”

”I wanted to die,” April mumbled, “Sorry I didn't invite you guys to my attempted funeral. Now go away.”

”April!” Ann snapped, her voice dripping with desperation and exhaustion, ”Please, we're trying to help you!”

”The only way you could help me is to unplug the life support machine and let me die.” April pulled the blanket farther over her, ”Now, again, go away forever.”

They were quiet for a few seconds, then a nurse walked in with a tray. Full of food. Labeled, “April Ludgate.”

_Fuck._

She couldn't eat! She wasn't even hungry! She didn't wanna gain weight or- or give in or lose control- She couldn't.

But before she could protest, the nurse set the tray on a table beside the hospital bed and said, ”You have to eat all or at least most of this. If you refuse to eat your food, they'll have to use a breathing tube or admit you to a more... Intense hospital. A mental hospital.”

April stayed quiet, not being able to force out any snappy words. She just glared at the food- A bowl of corn, a box of fruit loops, an apple, and a cup of water. Hardly anything, right?

No, that was way too much. Way too much! April had to eat all of this?! No way. But the nurse was gone before April could say anything.

She couldn't eat all of this, no way, just the thought of it made her want to throw up or cut or run- it triggered her fight or flight reflexes. She-

”April, are you okay?” Tom asked, his voice snapping her back to reality, ”You look like you're gonna throw up.”

“Fuck off,” April mumbled.

“Okay!” Ann sighed, ”Everyone go. I'll talk to her alone.”

“You sure?” Leslie glanced at her.

“Yes,” Ann nodded and looked at Andy, ”You, too.”

Andy opened his mouth but Leslie grabbed his hand and looked at him. He sighed and they all walked out.

Ann looked at her, ”April.”

“Perkins...” She mumbled.

Ann took a breath, looking wary, ”April, how abou-”

“Why couldn't you just let me die?” April looked down.

When Ann didn't answer, she continued.

“Why couldn't you just... Let me die?”

“Because you don't get to lose to yourself,” Ann put a hand on her shoulder, ”You are April Ludgate. You are not going to kill yourself and just be gone. Forever. Seems awfully out of character.”

“Fuck off,” April shrugged away from her, ”It's what I wanted. This is worse than death. Now everyone knows and I'm stuck in the hospital. I wish I just told Andy or something...”

“Well, you didn't,” Ann glanced at the food, ”But no one... April, no one is going to judge you. You know that, right? No one is upset at you.”

“Yeah, right,” April leaned back, ”Ron is probably pissed I didn't invite him to the party.”

“I mean...” Ann gave a small smile, “You did invite me over him.”

“Yeah,” April was exhausted and didn't have the energy to snap or lie or anything, ”But... I just didn't wanna see him sad.”

“That makes sense,” Ann nodded.

“I didn't think I would be here right now,” April bit her lip, ”I thought I would be... Not sure, actually. Probably nowhere. Or some version of Hell.”

“April...” Ann sighed, ”Why don't you want to eat?”

“If I can go through the day without eating, I can go through the day without cutting,” April looked at her, ”It isn't that complicated.”

“Trust me, we'll make sure you don't cut,” Ann assured, ”Can you eat... Half of it, take a break, then some more?”

“That-” April opened her mouth before looking down, ”Fine. Can just Andy come back?”

“If that'll help,” Ann smiled.

After April nodded, Ann left the room. Andy came in a few minutes later and smiled.

“What...” He sat down on a chair by her bed, ”What can I do to help?”

“Just talk,” She looked at the food, ”I don't care what. I just... Just talk. Distract me.”

Andy smiled, ”Okay! Well... Remember that one day-?”

As Andy went on, April ate. Slowly and very uncomfortably, but she ate.

But God was she still dreading this whole experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My motivation for this has died so sorry it's so short

**Author's Note:**

> The next update will happen... Eventually...
> 
> I swear this won't be abandoned but I want the updates to be big and good, not small and rushed


End file.
